Song of the moment: Like a Stone by Audioslave
On my deathbed I will pray
To the gods and the angels
Like a pagan to anyone
Who will take me to heaven
To a place I recall
I was there so long ago
The sky was bruised
The win was bled
And there you led me on
This song makes my heart cry in happiness and sorrow.
Wow. I am unusually cranky today. My birthday is in an hour, too.... well, technically, it already passed since I was born in the Philippines. Hmph. I've been really depressed lately, but the worst thing is that I don't even show it when I'm in front of people. Usually, when I'm depressed, I would show it without any regard to anyone's comfort--for example, I wouldn't care if they think I'm pissed off at them, or if I scare them from my wierd anti-social, pissy pissy mood. But these couple of days, I've been walking around with a mask, hiding all the pain that I have inside. My heart throbs of this unexplainable pain... so excuciating.... so unbearable.
Last night, my mom and I fought again. She was throwing things at me... I didn't care. She kept hitting me.. I didn't care. I think what started our fight was that I didn't care. I don't care anymore, I just want out. Out of this misery of random events we call life. After our fight and my mom left the house to pick up my sister from work, I just layed in my bed and cried. I started to cut myself a little bit again... I bled a little as these claws of mine dug deeper and harder into the surface of my skin. At least I didn't use a knife this time. And at least I didn't overdose on pills as I did the last time my mom and I fought. Last time, I took like three Sudafed 12-hour pills, 3 calcium pills 2 500MG vitamin C pills, 1 Multi-vitamin pill, 1 Jenny Craig energy pill [my sister's] and anything I can get a hold of. If my brother's room wasn't locked, I would have gone in there and took some of his vicadin. That would have made me pass out.... which would be awsome, if I just died. Oh, poo I actually talked about suicide on my online journal. I usually only talk about that subject in my private journal... which is full of that crap. But moving on, uhh, yeah.
My birthdays are always shitty. None of my friends came to hang out with me on my last birthday... I had a fight with my mom on the birthday before that, and the one after that was when I had a sleep-over and everyone at the party fought, as everybody cried, as my mom and I fought, as she hit me right in front of my friends. Such memories, don't you think?
Physical pain is so much better than emotional pain. I would rather my mom stab me ten billion times than nag me for another hour. I can't take it when she talks for long amounts of time, yelling, screaming, trying to hurt me with words that have no meaning to myself when it's said by her. I just don't listen to her anymore. If I listened to what she has to say everytime we fight or even talk, I would go fucking crazy and start shooting everyone on sight. Ugh.... it just came to me a few days ago that I adore death more than I do life. Dying to me is so much more interesting than the "miracle" of being born. Pffft. They obsess about that whole process, when the mainstream studies have hardly studied the pains of the miracle of death. What do you feel? Where do you really go afterwards? When you die, does your soul remain trapped in your body, as your body rots under 6 feet of dirt and cement, do you get re-incarnated, does your soul fly into another dimention, do you go to hell or to heaven? Contradictorally, I don't believe in Heaven, yet I believe in Hell. I believe that we are living in hell right now. Humans living in poverty or deep emotional pain all their life has basically served their time in hell, but when they die, what happens to them? Do they just go away?
Things like this is so hard to comprehend, with my feeble little human mind. Thinking about it gets me so riled up about the mysteries of the universe, yet I cannot do anything about it. I would like to know more about it, but where should I go? THE INTERNET? Hah. The Internet is usually full of bullshit theories that will corrupt my thinking mind. I just want to go through with it [death] and finally experience it myself.
I want to go back in time to the Rennaisance. I love that era more than life itself. My second choice would be the Roarin' Twenties. I love the idea of living in the cities of New York or New Orleans or Boston, being involved in the big-time mafia gangs.... shooting rampages... bank robbery... UGH, I hate the present time. What do we have today? The computer. Technology. Fuck that shit.... I'm tired of it. I want to meet the artists of the Rennassaince, visit the streets of Rome and experience a time of simple, yet revolutionary living.
I am so hard to please.
posted by m_alba @ 6/06/2003 11:27:00 PM
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